Driving down the road, headed home from dropping off a humbling set of paperwork, I caught myself verbally processing through quite a yelling tone why certain people from my past have been consecutively crossing paths with me again and appearing to all be living quite the carefree lives.
I mean, I am totally happy for their success, but seeing them doing famously awesome has been really catching me off guard. For some reason, the nagging feeling as though I should be at the same level, progression, and achievements have paralleled itself with my perception of them.
As I sat in thought, I questioned what I am doing wrong with confusion.
Stop Caitlin. These were the cards dealt to you, not them.
Maybe it is a time of character building, soul shaping, or mind expanding that is taking place through this decade of what feels like a survival mode hustle I have been living. I know I am not alone in this though, whether it be financial, relational, spiritual, or mental, the sparring that comes in living life is something every human goes through and honestly, should be expected.
Painful as it is to accept, the reality of it is… it comes in waves, through every human heart there is a desire and need to “keep up with Joneses.”
*Laughter* I am a Jones and can’t even keep up with myself!
It’s a pressure unasked for, yet, invites itself into every avenue of each of our lives. As many know, if not controlled, it becomes oppressively infiltrative to all we think, do, and say.
It is a tug-o-war struggle between not caring too much where you are in your journey, but caring enough to make the necessary progress to keep on keepin on.
We all know the story of Jonah and the whale right?
Looking for a home, waiting to hear back from the multiple positions I have tested and applied for, being the provider, yet having limited funds to provide with, all while balancing the different areas of life and the dreading anticipation of the coming schedule I am going to have this year, I shrug my shoulders in an almost defeated manner as I come to the book of Jonah in my reading through the bible today.
Really God?! What impeccable timing you have…
Being comfortable has never gotten anyone anywhere was all that came to mind.
Jonah didn’t want to leave his comfy spot, he didn’t want to obey what God had told him to do, and he sure didn’t want to help the people of Nineveh.
He actually, with intentional purpose, knew for a fact he was running from the path he should have taken. AND yet, he still made it in the bible…
Long story short, while the sea raged, the captain of the ship Jonah was on took lots to see who was the cause for this storm, and lo and behold, the lot landed on Jonah. They threw him overboard, the sea instantly became peaceful, and Jonah sat for three days and three nights in the belly of a whale before he humbled himself, prayed, and accepted the reality of his purpose in life.
I’m not THAT stubborn…
…am I God?
Yep, I am. We actually all are.
I thought I loved change, and most of the time I wholeheartedly accept it, but what stuck out to me is that no one truly enjoys being inconvenienced to an undesired change in life, no one. Obviously, the path we are suppose to take is going to happen whether it is wanted or not, and as many have come to learn, it always ends up working out in the end. So, maybe it is not the change that we dread, but the vulnerability and the anticipation that comes with it.
Just the other night I rebelliously vented how much of a hassle everything felt to a friend outside our gym. With a sober and contemplative expression she responded quietly with, “Hmm, well it seems like you’re learning a lot.”
She was right. This season is just another time to learn, grow, and continue to shape who I am becoming. With that, it is okay to be angry at the anxiety new normals bring as long as it does not cloud your being or consume your mind.
Whether the learning experience is a good one or a bad one, welcoming whatever comes is the key objective.
Case and point, this is my season to be in the belly of the whale and until I accept it, release any feelings of peer pressure or societies standards of where I should be, it will be a storm of resistance I’ll have to fight.
God seems to be telling me loud and clear, through the most random of people, His word, memes, signs, parallels and pretty much any other way He can every day, to release the this weight that comes with change, and accept the wait for the change. That only He is the peace in the midst of the chaos and only He will bring the clarity to the confusion.
A constant and daily reminder to live a humble life, free of the need to control is for the foundation for a beautiful future.
Until we meet again,