Postpartum Healing

Postpartum Healing Baby Lincoln Adoption

 

Following that amazing hour after Lincoln’s delivery, Jonathan and Kristen were given a room across the hall from my postpartum room. Before parting paths, we agreed not to leave each other out on visiting family members.

 

Shari asked if I was able to stand, and using her as a support we got me to the bathroom and then to the wheelchair for the move over to postpartum around 3:00 pm.

 

I felt strong. Slow, but strong for the most part. I was on a mental and spiritual high, and physically still had some adrenaline pumping. Exhaustion hadn’t really kicked into gear yet, but hunger had. Following that pudding earlier, I had eaten some of my spaghetti and meatballs, mostly the bomb turkey meatballs, but wasn’t too interested in any other food until now though, I felt starved. One of our ICA workers made sure to get me a smoothie, which is becoming quite my personal trend after pushing out a baby. (After Noah, I begged his dad to sneak me in a smoothie. It was all I wanted and could think about but due to complications, was limited to an ice chips only diet. With my nazi nurse keeping a close eye on me, a sneaky plan of attack to keep it in front of him and not me would have worked if I had not spilled it all over my bed! I demanded he take the blame and he begrudgingly did. Thankfully this smoothie experience was without spills and happily enjoyed!)

 

After getting me into my postpartum room, which fit me and my momma perfectly, we began to set up shop. She reorganized to make one of the pull out beds for herself fit snugly next to my bed and we finally got the chance to take in what had transpired. We snacked on some pastries and discussed how incredible the experience had been. My mom continued to mention that this wasn’t just a God thing, it was a miracle that had taken place.  

 

Kristen, her sister, adorable nephew and sweet little Lucy swung by for a visit awhile later. It was awesome and only the beginning to meeting the beautiful family members that not only had prayed for this baby to come, but now would be surrounding him as his family for the rest of his life.

 

Intermittently, my nurse would come in to check my vitals, bring motrin or give the dreaded fundal massage, which aids in controlling bleeding and shrinking the uterus. I don’t remember this with Noah, but I guess for proper healing to take place, it must be done every couple hours and is simply uncomfortable. Going to the bathroom was a two man job, though my bleeding seemed to really slow down quickly, the process took my mom’s help for the most part and my muscles were still regaining their strength.

 

Kristen shot me a text  that Jonathan’s sister was there with her husband and son, and would love to meet me if I was up for it. Heck yes! I  just needed to get the clear from my nurse and was there. Once cleared to go, we headed over to meet them and enjoyed yet another great time of visiting.

 

Calling it an early night, we watched a little tv while eating our patti melts then hit the hay. My mom seemed to sleep soundly and I got a good amount of sleep between the every two hour check ups from my nurse. Around 4 am, a nurse came in to draw my blood and not being a big fan of getting my blood drawn, or needles in general, I took advantage of being half asleep and turned my head to the other side drowsily. It was absolutely the best way to get blood drawn for any needle-phobic out there.

Baby Lincoln Adoption Postpartum

I woke up about 6 am and because my mom was still sleeping, started scrolling through my instagram feed. Kristen had posted an adorable photo of a perfectly bundled Lincoln sleeping soundly, and the photo along with the sweet words under it brought tears to my eyes. It was the first wave of emotions that hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I can’t explain the exact feeling or pinpoint why I was crying, but as silently as possible, I sobbed my heart out.

 

Kristen, almost reading my brain, texted to make sure it was okay she had posted the photo. I let her know the overwhelming feelings I was experiencing along with the joy and amazement of God’s hand throughout this experience.

 

I have always felt, and will continue to tell them that my heart trusts and knows they are guided by God and whatever they do, I am ok with. Our social workers have always told us how sensitive we were to one another and with God as our lead, there has been nothing but beautiful responses to each other’s words and actions. Pretty profound relationship to be honest.

 

My mom and I started out our morning with coffee and a bible reading that lead to more tears of reflection on God’s grace and glory. There was something about those sweet hours with my mom as she read Psalms 33 to me. I was still holding up pretty tough emotionally besides my early morning meltdown, but she cracked at the words she read.

 

 

I decided it was time to get ready and take a step towards feeling normal again. I put on my makeup, freshened up and changed back into my summer dress I had come in. Coping wise, I felt back to Caitlin. Next, was to visit Lincoln. I craved to see him, to look at him, touch him, which I feel is only natural after delivering a baby, and couldn’t imagine a situation that wasn’t as open as ours, allowing me the freedom to do so.

Postpartum Baby Lincoln Adoption

 

 

I had woken up feeling pretty yucky and sore bodywise though. I couldn’t really stand up straight and my back was feeling where that epidural had gone in. I was also experiencing a lot of pain in my stomach area, mostly cramping, so I waited until I got my pain meds and we headed over to have our Jonathan, Kristen and Lincoln fix while we enjoyed breakfast.

Postpartum Baby Lincoln Adoption

Jonathan’s parents and youngest sister came to visit, followed by a later visit from Kristen’s mom, who brought Lucy and a family friend. My grandma and Aunt also came at that time and the day was spent surrounded in family and fellowship. It really couldn’t have been more perfect. Feeling left out, Kristen’s dad sent me a video introducing himself and the two youngest grandbabies next to Lincoln. Getting to experience the family this child will be raised in and around is mind blowing. Words cannot express how blessed this child will be. The love shown to me and my family by each and every individual we met was so amazing that I can’t even imagine what he is going to get to experience!

 

My mom and I headed back to our room in hopes to get me checked out before it was too late, but there was no way they were letting me go that day and ended up keeping both Lincoln and I an extra day.  

I convinced my mom that she should go home, shower and rest. Then, since Lincoln and I were both having to stay that extra night, she could bring Noah back for a visit when she picks me up in the morning. She finally agreed, and after eating dinner with Jonathan, Kristen and I headed out.

 

There really was no quiet minute I had spent by myself so I took advantage of this opportunity to excitedly write out the birth story while it was fresh in my brain. I had my Holy Spirit Pandora station playing, the tv on and bounced from writing to watching to scrolling through Instagram. I wasn’t visited by a nurse, unless I called or it was time to be given medications which allowed for a peaceful, uninterrupted time of great writing.

 

Periodically I would check the time on my cockeyed clock hanging on the wall across from my bed and spent my time soaking in the thoughts that came with recalling all the moments that built the story.  It wasn’t until around 11:30 I stopped writing, set my phone aside and turned off the lights to go to sleep.

 

BAM! It was like my emotions had waited until that exact moment to flood themselves into my heart and mind.

 

They came with such force and broke me to the core. Weeping, I turned back on my radio and wrote through the tears.  

 

One truly does not understand the word bittersweet until experienced. That second night alone in the hospital really tore my heart out. The waves of emotion that presented themselves were defiantly nine months worth and then some. Not that regret or resentment played a role, but a sweet and painful breaking of my heart made tears that endlessly poured for hours. I would weave between catching breath and reminding myself that God had allowed my heart to feel and heal for the night and that joy would come in the morning.

 

To heal there must be pain.

 

I had finally come full circle in this process and was truly experiencing the crux. I didn’t hold back, well, probably because I couldn’t.

 

I allowed myself the vulnerable freedom to feel completely.

 

I do have to admit I wanted it to be over, I wanted my family, I wanted my Noah and to be surrounded in love. Every cascading, majestic mountaintop must have a valley to accentuate it’s glory. I had made it up, enjoyed the beautiful peak and had now reached the lowest part of the valley to finish this chapter.

 

I was being shaped for sure. It takes my breath away just thinking about it.

 

As one of the most heaviest moments of my life, I have new respect for God, and what His heart must have felt when He gave the world his only son and watched him hang on that cross. When you place your baby, you don’t think or prepare that a certain type of grieving takes place and that your heart, no matter how strong and solid you are in your decision, must break to move forward towards a better life.

 

God changed me that night. He softened my heart and strengthened my mind. He comforted and saturated me in His presence. He made it obvious He was holding me through this and that I had reached the end of myself.

 

I had titled the piece of writing, RAW.jpeg since it was the rawest picture of myself God has ever brought me to.

 

In the midst of the flood of tears, Gaile had sent a text with a link to the photo album of Lincoln’s birth she had just finished editing and posted. Sobbing, I got through about half the photos and had to praise God that He had orchestrated such a powerful experience. From ICA to Jonathan and Kristen to my new job, school, the nurses, the labor and delivery. There wasn’t one moment I would change. God was real. He was showing me He was. Through the second wave of tears, I continued to pray, praise and thank Him.

 

It did feel forever before I finally fell asleep but when I did, I slept good and though I woke up with puffy eyes, there was joy in heart and I felt renewed. God was good. As painful as it was, it was needed and it needed to happen when I was alone. It needed to be raw and real. It was part of my recovery.

 

Jonathan ran to grab breakfast while Kristen and I enjoyed our few last moments of “dorm life” as Kristen called it.

 

Today was the day we got to all go home, so we parted ways to pack up. Seeing Noah walk through my door was the best part of that day. As we walked to see Lincoln, I could feel Noah’s excitement building. Kristen had asked earlier if there was anything important she should say to Noah when he came. I shared how he really didn’t want to loose his role as a big brother and from the moment she set Lincoln on him, both her and Jonathan  showered him with so much love and support affirming his role as a big brother. I nervously kept checking to make sure he felt comfortable holding him and he had no interest of stopping. He loved him and was so stoked to be there and have him in his arms. It was pretty amazing to watch.

Postpartum Baby Lincoln Adoption Postpartum Baby Lincoln Adoption Noah

We kissed Lincoln goodbye, gave our rounds of hugs and said, “see you later.”

 

On our way out of the hospital, we ran into Nancy, the nurse that admitted me into triage. Funny how she began and ended my hospital visit there. We stopped to chat and she let me know she kept coming to check on me throughout my progress and made it a point to give me a big hug and write my blog down.

 

We stopped by Panera for lunch and I FINALLY got my cherry pie, well it was really a danish, but close enough! On our way home, I felt every bump and was still pretty tender and sore when sitting and still moved slowly when walking. Right when we got home, my mom helped me get into the shower and I have to say, it was one of the best showers of my life. My recommendation for after delivery is a Costco size replenishment of Dermoplast and Witch Hazel pads. Besides that life changing shower, a nice, comfy pair of unattractive underwear, those two life savers will set anyone up for a happy recovery.

 

Postpartum Recovery AdoptionI had boughten a Bellefit postpartum girdle to help with my body deswelling and hopefully regain my figure faster. Unfortunately, it didn’t fit those first few days but with my mom’s help, me laying on my bed and lots of laughs, we got me into it by day four. My milk didn’t come in until the third day but we had started my binding the day before.

 

I looked and felt like I was bursting at the seams from every direction and had so many dang layers constricting my body I could barely breath. When my milk did come it, it came with a vengeance. My chest was rock solid. I probably could’ve fed a village! For about a week straight I was layering cabbage leaves, sports bra and binding on one another to stop the milk production. The cabbage leaves I think were the miracle workers. I was going through almost a whole cabbage in a day and half and had gotten it down to a science. Breaking the cabbage leaves off so they stay in a cup like form was the hardest part but once you rinse the leaves, wet paper towels to put in between each leaf and refrigerate them, they provided the best relief. The binding did help keep the pressure more bearable. I did have to continue taking my Motrin since it was hard to sleep and at times just painful. Leaking was pretty minimal since the only time any part of my body saw the light of day was to shower and then it was back to the daily bind.

 

 

Noah kept me pretty busy throughout the past two weeks and I don’t how I could have done it without him by my side. Since I was unable to drive for this time, my mom made it a point to always offer and kept my stockpile of daily needs replenished and available.

 

Postpartum Baby Lincoln Adoption

 

Kristen has been sending me Lincoln and family updates every couple of days and Noah and I sent Lincoln a one week happy birthday video. Keeping the communication has been a huge blessing and has helped Noah and I bond as we both ooh and aw over the pictures.

 

I did lay low the first week and now, hitting the official two week postpartum mark as of today, I am feeling really good both physically and mentally. Hormonally there has been a few up and downs, but keeping the right mindset and apologizing for when it becomes irritation helps keep me in check.

 

This last Thursday, I met our ICA workers at Marie Calendars for breakfast to officially sign off my rights. The state documents that had to be read to me were strictly legal. The terminology would say my baby, not the baby and straight up made you feel like you didn’t care about the baby, not that you wanted the best for the baby you were placing. At first, it was like a stab each time a statement was read. The emotions that came after that meeting were heavy and it took a couple days to reset my mind but, through the constant support and love from God, my family, friends and Jonathan and Kristen I have been given a new song in my heart.

 

I know, without a doubt, Lincoln is exactly where he should be. God knew, before the beginning of time, his parents were Jonathan and Kristen Whitmore. He knew I was to be the vessel, and that this precious little boy was the key to a life changing story.

Postpartum Baby Lincoln Adoption

 

 

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Birth Day!

Pregnancy Birth Story Labor Delivery

 

I stood there looking at my go bag by the front door debating if I should just put it in the car or not. Wasn’t like he obviously was coming out anytime soon. I had been living the past two weeks doing all that I could to help urge this little guy into making his debut. Every meal was doused with Tabasco, I wholeheartedly detailed my car inside and out, washed the dog, walked to get donuts with Noah, swam laps and even took a couple bike rides but no show yet.

 

Why not? All the more ready to rock for game day. As I started walking away, I paused to turn and mull over if I should also take the present my momma and I had gotten for Lincoln. Deciding it was smart to keep them together, we headed out the door around 10:00 am.

 

Noah had left early that morning for VBS and my mom and I fully intended to get through a day of errands. We hit staples, grabbed some lunch at Rubios, and decided to swing by the hospital I was intending to deliver at for a quick check up on babe and me. We figured it was one day past my due date and the increasing pressure I had been feeling in my pelvic area was the perfect nonchalant excuse to get an update.

 

To be honest, it probably was just to kill some boredom waiting time.

 

At the hospital, the babe cleared with perfect vitals, as did I, and was told dilation was at a mere 2 cm. On her way out, while stripping each glove off,  the doctor confidently told me “You are not having a baby today, but you do need to drive out to the Riverside County Medical Center (RCMC) and set up a date to be induced. I can’t schedule inductions here and don’t want you floating around out there without a doctor and a plan.”

 

Since 32 weeks I had been working on getting transferred to any doctor. Sadly, the clinic I was at dropped the ball and attempted to transfer me too late in the game. Out of the five local OBGYNs, two couldn’t fit in another June delivery, one only takes on new patients at 28 weeks and the last two denied me because it was in my records I was placing for adoption. This left the Riverside County Medical Center in Moreno Valley, which I dreaded.

 

I was adamant and verbally expressed multiply times that I would not be delivering there when it was brought up from the beginning of the transfer process. I didn’t want to make the drive first off and the thought of a county hospital made me cringe.

 

At 38 weeks, my clinic told me, due to insurance purposes I could not come for my weekly appointments anymore, but, if anything happened, I was free to go to the local hospital to get checked up or deliver. Ok, fine. At this point I was so over the fight, felt discouraged by the whole situation and knew God wouldn’t leave Lincoln and I hanging.

 

I would have not been too worried about it but the only thing that bugged me was, it wasn’t my baby, and I had a duty to deliver him to his dad and mom safe and sound.

 

It was now 2:30pm on my car clock and my mom and I had just exited Cactus Rd. off the 215. Ew, Cactus Rd. I hate cactus. The whole 5 miles from the exit to the hospital I had nothing nice to say about the surrounding area and humorously joked that God had totally Jonah and the whaled me here.

 

We sat for three hours crammed in the itsy, bitsy labor and delivery waiting room. It was getting to be 6 o’clock and we were not only hungry but planning an exciting visit to Polly’s Pies on the way home. Walking to the front desk, I asked when I was going to be seen and reassured them I wasn’t trying to be induced or have a baby, I just needed to speak to someone about planning for a future delivery. Those must have been the magic words, because a couple minutes later, my name was called and I was walked to a triage bed. The nurse, Nancy, who was now working overtime, joined me as we took a seat on the bed to review my records I had brought. She discovered that my real due date wasn’t until the next day, the 14th, based off the 12 week ultrasound documented. Interesting.  

Pausing after a thoughtful consideration, her solution was to hop on the bed and that a second check up wouldn’t hurt.

 

I changed into a gown, got body checked, vital checked, baby checked and gave my medical history lowdown to Nick, a student physician’s assistant to input into the computer. Nancy and Nick both nonchalantly dropped that I had made a big jump to 4 cm in a short time. Both had also brushed over that I might not be leaving and to hang tight while they waited for the doctors orders. Completely discrediting their subtle hints, my mom and I continued to discuss our dinner plans.

 

Couple minutes later, Nancy swished open the curtain and with a smile on her face and nod of her head says, “You ready to have a baby? I mean, not til after midnight, but you are going to have a baby today.”

 

Shocked, my mom and I looked at each other in utter disbelief. This was happening, and hysterically, it was happening here. I asked her if she was serious and if I should contact my people. Reality obviously had not hit yet, even after hearing those words. It was honestly the last thing I expected. She laughed, gave me the go and mixed me up a celebratory cocktail of 7up and cranberry juice paired with graham crackers.  They didn’t have a room ready yet so I was told to, snack, walk and call while waiting.

 

I called Jonathan and Kristen, and in a calm tone told them I was calling to let them know that I just happened to be at a couple check ups that day and that RCMC just happened to be keeping me ….aanndd that today was probably the day they were going to meet their baby. With excitement Kristen screamed, “REALLY?!” and expressed they would wait for as long as they could, pack and then be on their way! I kept saying, “no rush,” but she adamantly told me they were not going to miss a second of it!

Labor and Delivery Room

 

After a final confirmation check from resident Dr. Solomon and nurse Andy, I was told my room was ready! I was moved to a beautiful labor and delivery room with big windows featuring a gorgeous sunset and mountain views. As my mom explained to my dad the day’s happenings, she gave him the needs list he was to bring for the long-haul and I began texting my Doula, Aunt and ICA social worker a quarter to eight.

 

 

Watching the last bit of the sunset, I soaked up reality and felt myself beaming with joy as I danced around the room. Today WAS the day, who knew?!

 

Andy started me with a hibiclense shower and throughout my admitting questions expressed some of her family members had brought up the idea of adoption, which was just the beginning of the coincidences coming.

 

My dad was the first to arrive, shortly followed by Jonathon and Kristen. The ICA social workers and my Doula were next to arrive along with my aunt. We exchanged presents and enjoyed a sweet time of all visiting together.

 

Pregnancy Birth Story Labor Delivery

I was introduced to Violetta, my nurse, who told me it was time to get in bed and hooked up to an IV. Since I wasn’t interested in getting an epidural until after 5cm, my Doula, Violetta and myself worked out a plan to walk the hallways for a half hour before cementing myself to the hospital bed. Sweetly, Violetta reluctantly agreed to the plan and gave Gaile an awesome opportunity to start her photography documenting the birth.

Pregnancy Birth Story Labor Delivery

 

Gaile, my doula, was a connection sparked by a dear friend whose son has been in the same class as Noah since kindergarten. She wanted to get me something and Gaile, from one of her mom’s groups, offered her services as a gift.  Knowing what a blessing it was, but not understanding the vital need for a Doula, I was over the moon by her generous offer of kindness and support in the final weeks prior. She was expected to have surgery the week of my due date but it had been rescheduled for September. Interesting, right? She not only offered me labor and delivery preparation, but an empowering knowledge of risks and benefits of hospital practices that take place during labor and delivery. She gave me the whole package, and included birth photography, placenta encapsulation and prepared a detailed birth plan for the hospital staff, while also reaching out to involve Kristen. It was an amazing and unexpected blessing.

 

 

Gaile and I were finishing up the session of walking when Kristin had slipped out to give me the heads up hospital policy only allows two visitors, aka clear out the party in room 3309. So my dad left, and Jonathon and Kristen joined our ICA workers in the waiting room to appease the situation.

 

They started me on an IV at 11:15 pm, which hurt like heck and was planted on my right hand. I have to say that was one of the more negative memories of the night since I was highly sensitive to each beginning pump of new fluid and cringed when the bags were changed out and in. Dr. Tustinson was on night shift until 7 am and explained her plan of water breakage then pitocin if no progress had happened. Another cool adoption connection was that she had earlier shared with my momma her brother had just adopted two and that weekend, the family was celebrating the finalization.

 

Dr. Tustinson and the team came in at 11:41 for a check and because I was still at  5 cm and now 90% effaced, it was time to break the water in hopes to pick up the pace.

 

Dr. Kore, a rad 28 year old lady anesthesiologist, who also happened to be adopted, had swung by a couple times to gauge when I wanted my epidural and recommended now was probably the best time. Not wanting to miss my opportunity for a happier delivery and with contractions becoming more steady, around 12:45 she placed the epidural. Now and with Noah, this part was probably the worst memory of all. As I hugged the pillow, trying to relax and breath through the process, the waves of hormonal body shakes (just natural during labor) made it ridiculously hard to keep still. Just like the IV, I felt every injection of new fluid enter my back and it was painful.

 

Pregnancy Birth Story Labor DeliveryAt 1:45, I was between 5 -6 cm and was tucked in for a nap. Awaking to the baby’s monitor going off at 2:57, he had reached an alarming deceleration of 4 min and contractions for some reason started spacing out, so the team started me on a steady drip of pitocin but ended up stopping it due to baby not liking it. A check showed I was still at 5 cm, so a dose of Terbutaline to slow contractions and figure out what was going on with baby lead to an even bigger team surrounding my bed 3 minutes later.

 

Being strapped with an oxygen mask, I was told I needed to get on my hands and knees. . . With zero feeling in my lower half and 5000 pound legs but, game for anything, I asked the only logical question that came to mind, “How do you want me to get there?” Working together, we did it. Nine months pregnant, windows wide open and a hospital gown that not only didn’t close up in the back but refused to cover my exposure, I had to take a second to soak up the embarrassment and crack up. Taking a deep breath, I gathered myself and by 3:07 baby was safely back on the monitor and me back in bed.

Pregnancy Birth Story Labor Delivery

 

With internal monitoring being far more accurate than external, the team said they would be able measure the strength of my contractions, keep a closer eye on baby’s heart rate and find a safe level of pitocin for the both of us. Now 3:15 and the internal monitors in, I measured at 7 cm, 80% effaced, -2 station. Taking a moment to relax, I visited with Gaile, my momma and Aunt, ate ice chips, which were simply blissful, and shifted pelvic positions using a peanut ball to help wiggle the little guy down.

 

By 4:27, I felt like I had a cantaloupe hammocked in my lady parts and had a slight headache coming on. Now between 8 – 9 cm, the baby was down to a -1! PROGRESS!

 

 

Continuing to change positions, the 6:30 check had me at 9.5 cm, 100% effaced, 0 station. The next check at 8:11 showed no change and I was now sitting up in hopes this would bring the baby lower down the cervix. With a shift change happening, Violetta gave a round of hugs to the whole room and passed the baton to Shari, my new delivery nurse.

Inside Out Birth Story

 

I started laboring down and giving a couple practice pushes around 9:30. With a little help from Shari, I was able to make a little more progress but was starting to feel nauseous, regain leg movement and the pressure building up was becoming intensely uncomfortable. At this, the new anesthesiologist on shift granted me the pleasure of crafting quite a cocktail of Fentanyl and who knows what. I don’t know how long I felt like I was tripping out for, but I have to say it scared me to the point I asked my mom and Kristen to pray with me. I felt drugged and mentally loopy. The only way I could explain it to the room was that I felt like I was in abstract thought from Inside Out. OF COURSE, no one knew what I was talking about but I came out just fine an hour later and started a very peaceful time of rest and snacking on ice chips.

 

After a quick visit from Jonathon and Kristen to see how I was doing, the baby’s monitors started going off and continued to for longer than expected. Two nurses flew through the door and to my bedside. They let me know baby wasn’t recovering from a decel and that we needed to start rocking me from side to side. At this, the charge nurse called for the doctor. Urgency hit the room like a tornado, and the room flooded with the doctor, nurses and the nicu team. The nurse asked me to hold my legs and I felt the first of my tears slide down my face. It was time. All I could say was, “Someone get Kristen!”

 

Gaile had sent her a text to get here and get her gown on ASAP at 11:42.   

 

The doctor, stepped up and smiled, I, as silly as ever, threw up my hand for a handshake and said, “I’m Caitlin.” Laughing, he put up his gloved hands in the air like, I’m sanitary, your not, duhh. As calm as ever, he asked me to move my hips up. I did it without thinking and he responded, “Ok, good, you’re a strong one. Are you familiar with vacuums?” I said I had them with my first and he nodded in approval and asked me if I was ready, telling me to push.

This was one of the most surreal moments of my life. It felt like no one else was in the room except for the doctor and I. We had close to 20 people in that delivery room but I was in such a peaceful place after I saw Kristen race into the room seconds before that first push. He told me to push again, this time a good one. I heard someone say the head is out and he calmly told me to stop, the umbilical cord had gotten wrapped and he needed to cut it. Seconds later, locking eyes, he told me that this was it, couple more pushes and Lincoln was out.

 

Lincoln was beautiful, and so perfect. No one could hold their tears back.

Pregnancy Birth Story Labor Delivery
Five minutes after, Kristen was given immediate skin to skin contact. I did have a first degree tear so after the final stitch up and getting myself into a decent sitting position, Jonathon was beckoned in, joining Kristen and Lincoln, while I satisfyingly enjoyed a long deserved vanilla pudding.

We were then given one amazing hour together to soak up the sweetness of life. Gaile mentioned that the love in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife and I could not agree with her more.

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Pregnancy Birth Labor Delivery

 

Follow the link to check out the complete album of Gaile’s photography!

Made of Miracles Photography – Welcome baby Lincoln

I’m an open book so please don’t hesitate any hankering to question or comment :))

Do stay tuned for the coming postpartum story and follow me as I move through the newest, realest chapters of life as a birthmom among everything else!

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Adoption Story Blog

It begins in my bathroom around 9 pm. I had a feeling from the moment I woke up but it wasn’t until now that I finally had the chance to confirm the gut wrenching reality. Before the two minute timer broke the silence, the double solid lines could not have made themselves more prominent.

 

I was pregnant.

 

I dropped the stick as my heart dropped, tears poured and I held my humiliated face in my hands. How could I have been so stupid?!

 

In the beginning of 2015, I had made a bold move back into my parents house and left a position that not only secured my independence but gave me a great social life. I had worked hard to get where I was but I wanted to be and do more. God’s still, small voice had been prompting me to leave it all behind and to not miss the opportunity He had for me just around the corner. How do I know it was God? Countless times I was told by people I didn’t belong where I was and should pursue my passion.

 

So I trusted and made the leap of faith.

 

As I weaved between unpromising local jobs while balancing a chalk art business, I began feeling myself slipping into a dark place of anger and resentment for the choice I had made. I developed a bratty thought pattern of, OK God, I trusted you, where is this future and hope you promised?! It was hard to accept that the reward on the other side of the leap wasn’t instantaneous.

 

Confiding in a friend, I was jokingly encouraged to not worry but to get out of town and let loose. Of course, the only piece of the conversation that stuck was to let loose and I did just that. Loose was an understatement, I don’t know who I thought I was! I straight up partied too hard and found myself four weeks at the beginning of this story.  

 

That was 37 life changing weeks ago. I smile now as I look back and realize that it was the only way I could have gotten to where I am today. If only I had known that it was for such a time as this that I was created for.

 

The beginning of a life changing adoption story

Partnering the pain of the decision I had made and the outcome it had brought me to, I sat broken and sobbing in my bathroom. Vividly, I once again heard God whisper ever so gently, Adoption. This is not your baby. It hit me like V8, it wasn’t my baby. Yes, I had made the stupid decision. Yes, I would have to bear my scarlet letter for a short time, but why not place the baby to someone who wants one? I didn’t want a baby, I wasn’t in any place to be a single mom of two, jobless, living at my parents and going through a divorce. I foresaw a destitute road when I thought about it.

Adoption

 

Not only was I adopted but I was given an amazing life through being placed for adoption. My birthmom wanted to give me a life with a mom and a dad, as I wanted for this baby.

 

It was a God thing because I love being a mom.

 

To be honest, thank God I am fertile because I cannot wait to get married and have more babies but this one, in particular, my heart had been prepared that I was just a vessel for.  

 

It was coming into the week of my mom’s birthday and I sure couldn’t bring myself to drop the bomb until after. I had only told a handful including the birth father who disagreed with my decision and soon fell out of the picture altogether.

 

forsuchatimeasthisblog International Christian Adoption

As I gathered my information from adoption clinics, it was International Christian Adoption that stood out to me. From the minute I called and the first meeting with my assigned worker I was kindly reassured that no matter the outcome I would be supported. When I did share the news with my parents the disappointment could be felt a mile away but the encouragement and unconditional love expressed, even to this day, has been incredible.

 

In early December three family photo books were placed in front of me. It was time to choose the parents! I was stoked! Personally, because I had taken such a numb response to the situation, it was a sweet relief. I had been looking forward to confirming my role as a birthmom. Unemotionally, I flipped through the first album but kept looking at a turquoise one still sitting across the table. It was when I  took it in my hands that I knew I had found the family.

 

I was two pages in and started reading Jonathan describe Kristen when I was overcome with emotion. The tears flooded. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t turn the page. My brain raced repeatedly She is the mom. She’s the grown up version of me. There couldn’t be anyone more perfect for this baby. Not only did we look alike but I knew we’d have the same heart and soul.  

Whitmore Family

Everything they did as a family was the same thing I did in mine and with Noah. Courteously I looked through the third book but knew for a fact it was the Whitmore Family.    

 

Adoptive Parents & International Christian Adoption

 

My nerves were jolting the first time I talked to them on the phone the following weekend. I cannot describe how just hearing their voices confirmed my choice. We met for the first time December 23rd over lunch with our ICA workers. Between the time that had passed, I had applied, interviewed and was hired to be an Instructional Aide at my son’s elementary school along with starting an undergraduate degree program to be an elementary teacher at Grand Canyon University.

 

Life was changing.  

 

 

The instant connection I made with Jonathan and Kristen over lunch established a foundation like none other. Kristen made sure to text me weekly to see how I was doing, as I did with doctor and belly updates. On February 4th we planned to find out if it was a boy or a girl and I met them at Unique Ultrasound.

IT WAS A BOY!!

Unique Ultrasound Gender Ultrasound

 

Noah and Lucy Adoption Story

 

The following weekend I spent visiting a friend in San Luis Obispo finishing up his last few months at Cal Poly. Who knew, but that was where Kristin and Jonathan had gone to college and met. On February 20th they drove out with seven year old Lucy to meet my family and Noah who also happens to be seven. Not only did Lucy and Noah hit it off but the time spent together allowed for us to candidly talk about the adoption and life afterwards.

 

International Christian Adoption

 

May 17th we met with our ICA workers to clarify the final details including delivery day and the legal aspects of what is expected. I was told his name was chosen to be Lincoln Joel Whitmore and shared how happy I was to put an official name with the belly movements since Noah’s second grade class was calling him Anakin, my mom had picked Joshua when she talked to the belly and the let loose friend had named him after himself! Wrapping up the meeting and walking out together only sealed the deal. It was official.

 

The next time we would all be together would be D-Day!  

 

Currently it is June 7th and the due date is set for June 12th. As this chapter comes to a close with a nice waddle, swollen feet and a belly that feels like it’s going to drop out, words can’t express how thankful I am for this experience and totally excited for what is in store for the future! 

Adoption Story Pregnancy

 

 

I’m an open book so please don’t hesitate any hankering to question or comment :))

Do stay tuned for the coming birth story of little Lincoln and follow me as I move through the newest, realest chapters of life as a birthmom among everything else!

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